Twilight Fever
by Some pendejito
Summary: Twilight reimagined as a fever dream.


Bella Swan lied down the grass from the meadow, aspiring deeply the cold air of the early morning.

She was waiting for Edward Cullen, a vampire she loved with all her heart and soul since the first moment she saw him sparkling under sun.

But right now, there was no sun nor a sparkling vampire, and Bella felt bad about that.

So she waited. And waited. And waited...

Finally, the last trace of darkness vanished with the arrival of the dawn.

"But there is still no sparkling vampires in sight..." she sighed, making a vague gesture of disappointment on her rather unremarkable, plain teenage face.

She was ready to leave. She was ready to return to that bored house that she hated, hoping to dream with sparkly vampires as her only consolation.

But then...Shortly after Bella Swan was done with waiting in the meadow, she saw _him_.

 _Edward Cullen_. The sparkling vampire of her dreams.

And right now, under the soft sunlight of dawn, he was sparkling. And he looked quite beautiful, I must say.

" _So beautiful_..." Bella Swan muttered, as she saw him.

Sparkling made everything more beautiful, more perfect. Without those charming sparkles, Edward Cullen the vampire probably wouldn't be so charming or handsome to her.

"I mean, while he's reasonably attractive, without those precious sparkles, he probably will be nothing to me, like that blond guy from school I don't care about. Without those sparkles, he would be another guy. Another ordinary vampire. But those sparkles... _Those sparkles really made the difference_."

"Bella." Said Edward Cullen.

"Edward" Bella replied.

"Sometimes I wonder if I really love you, or if I only love the way you sparkle under the sun. Alas, I'm afraid this might a question nobody will be ever able to answer. Because the way in which you spakle has already obnubilated my thoughts. I have no choice...But to love any creature that sparkles under the sun. And you, Edward Cullen, are sparkling under the sun in front of me, right now. So, I love you..."

"Bella." said Edward once again, opening his shirt, revealing his sparkling chest and his sparkling abs.

"Edward!" screamed Bella, widening her eyes, mesmerized by all that sparkling.

There was then a long, awkward silence between the two lovers. But the sparkling became more and more intense with each second.

"Bella. Bella. Bella!" muttered Edward, making a weird, mopey gesture with his mouth. But Bella didn't notice that, because all the sparkling.

"EDWARD!" screamed Bella once again, almost blinded by the glamorous look of her sparkling vampire boyfriend.

"Bella I must confess something." Edward said.

"What?" Bella asked.

Edward was ready to answer but then...

Then he started to scream and growl, as an expression of searing pain was drawn on his sparkling face.

"EDWARD!" Bella shrieked. "WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU?"

"BELLA!" Edward screamed. "YOU MUST RUN! YOU MUST RUN AWAY FROM ME! I'M DANGEROUS! EEEUGHH!"

"No!" Bella replied. "I won't run away because I love you! I don't care if you are a vampire, I still love you because of the way you sparkle!"

"BELLA! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! THE ONLY REASON I SPARKLE...IS BECAUSE...BECAUSE...I HAVE A DEMON INSIDE OF ME!"

"What? No way!" Bella said, while frowning.

"THIS IS...WHO...I REALLY I AM!" Edward Cullen shouted, as a vaguely humanoid face emerged from his sparkling chest. And Bella was creeped out by that face, because it didn't sparkle in the same way Edward sparkled. It was a grotesque face. _An evil face_. And he looked like Nicolas Cage. But it spoke like Tommy Wiseau, with the same mysterious thick accent:

"BELLA SWAN! WHERE ARE THE ASBESTOS YOU STILL OWE TO ME?"

"What?"

"FEED ME SOME ASBESTOS!" The voice of the face in the sparkly chest of Edward insisted. "I WANT ALL THE ASBESTOS YOU CAN GIVE TO ME!"

" I don't know what are you talking about!" Bella answered, with tears on her face. But the evil face of Nicolas Cage continued demaning more asbestos.

"ASBESTOS! FEED ME SOME ASBESTOS, BELLA SWAN!" That cruel face ordered, and Edward Cullen was only able to say the following words:

"Bella! You must run! I won't be able to stop him for much more time! You must go to your house and burn it down! It's the only way to stop this demon!"

"But why? Why I have to burn my house to stop this demon hungry for asbestos?" Bella Swan asked.

"Goddamnit Bella, stop making stupid questions and do what I say! It's the only way! It's the only way!"

Soon, Edward's face morphed into Nicolas Cage, and started demaning some asbestos. Bella ran away back to her home, where she found her father, completely drunk.

"Bella sweetie, where have you been?" Charlie asked. As a response, Bella punched him, knocking him unconcious.

She then took her father to a safe place, far away from home: The doghouse her very good friend Jacob Black used for camping.

"Sorry daddy, but I had to do this. It's the only way to stop Nicolas Cage!"

She then decided she had to burn her house while listening a Coldplay song. If only she had been a little bit more clever, she probably have listened "A Rush of Blood to the Head ". But because she was not really clever, she listened "Adventure Of A Lifetime" while she was burning down her house.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The evil face of Nicolas Cage screamed, ashe saw the fire on Bella Swan's house from the distance. Then, he disappeared. Then Edward, died, spontaneously combusting in a explosion of grey sparkle. But he died in peace, knowing that Nicolas Cage was finally stopped.

"Goodbye, my sparkly vampire lover." Bella thought, as she saw him exploding from the distance.

Then, she returned to the meadow, and started sleeping there until midnight. When she woke up, she was still thinking about sparkles, but now that Edward was dead, she had no choice to cry.

Ten years later, Bella Swan visited her own grave.

Her idiot father thought she died in the fire of their house, so she made a big funeral ceremony for her. When he finally discovered that Bella was still alive, he was pissed off because he spent too much money on that ceremony and now everybody else thought he was an idiot. As a punishment, he forced Bella to get a job at one convenience store close to their new house. It was a really boring job, but it gave her enough money to get a new house and Bella decided to kept her own grave as a memorial monument for Edward. And from that day, every saturday morning she spread some sparkly dust over the grave in honor of her dead lover.

That saturday was no different, but now that Bella was older and wiser, she realized it would have been much better if she had listened "A Rush of Blood to the Head " on the radio while she was burning her own house instead of "Adventure Of A Lifetime".

"Goddamn, I was a complete idiot back then." Bella thought as she sighed.

 **THE END**


End file.
